774 Days of You and Me

Nursing is not something I was sure I would always do. I would see other women nurse before I had kids and never have a giant desire to do it. I didn’t think I would want to sacrifice my body and give up certain foods or medicines just to feed my baby. I thought bottles would be my go-to and nursing never was really in my plan.

Then I had a baby, and just like it always does, everything changed. Right when Dylan came into the world every little thing I thought I knew or wanted for him shifted in my mind. Everything I needed to do for him became clear, and my desire to breastfeed turned on. I was only able to breastfeed him for 3 months before my milk disappeared completely (you can read more about my experience with that in this post) and it devastated me. It shocked me how much I loved it. The bonding time was incredible and I just loved that it was our time together; something only I could do for him. It was amazing. So having it go away so suddenly and not being able to have any control over it devastated me.

Fast-forward to when I was pregnant with Levi. I remember praying constantly that I would be able to nurse him and have that bonding time I so desperately wanted to have with Dylan. I looked up recipes for foods that would keep my milk supply high and encapsulated my placenta because I had heard that helped. I read and studied and was prepared for Levi and did everything in my power to control what I could regarding breastfeeding before he was even born.

 

{{Levi and mom…2 weeks old and nursing like a champ. First photo of us nursing :)}}

 

Levi was a champ from the start. I remember being in the hospital with him after birth and making sure we had the lactation specialist come 10 times in the first day to make sure I was doing it right. I was so determined to do everything I could to keep my milk right from the start.

And turns out…all the recipes, reading, cluster-feeding, night-pumping even though my boobs ached, wearing shirts that were nursing-friendly and doing it out in public even when I felt super uncomfortable at times…they worked. Levi and I nursed multiple times a day, well, basically all day every day those first couple months. Literally. He fell asleep nursing on me most of the time, and while it was a sacrifice of my time (and sometimes my sanity) I don’t regret one moment of those times with him.

Eventually we got into a routine and nursing just became such a normal part of my existence. It was my job to put him down for naps and bedtime the first 18 months. He would only fall asleep nursing and while others will totally disagree and think that’s awful and so inconvenient…I loved it. I don’t regret it and I cherish every single moment of those times. It never felt inconvenient to me and I always thought about how this would only last so long, and I wanted to take advantage of every time I could nurse him.

 

{{Levi at 10 months old, nursing like a champ}}

 

I would have friends ask me as Levi got older how much longer I was going to nurse, and I honestly never knew. I never set an end date. I was so thrilled when we hit a year…then 18 months…then 24 months! Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would make it that long! I was so happy! And once we planned our Hawaii trip…I knew then that would be when we would wean, and the nursing would end. It made me so sad to think about..every time I would sit down to nurse him for a nap or before bedtime I would count how many times we had left of doing this; of just us two…doing our thing that we had done for so long. Something he had always done since his birth, and something I had done for over 2 years of his life. We didn’t know life together without it, and that was so sad for me to think about.

As Hawaii got closer I just clung to those nursing moments harder and harder…and my nipples hurt more and more. Being 5 months pregnant and nursing a 2 year-old is not the easiest thing in the world…but I just loved it so much I didn’t care. The nipples could hurt because this bond we had was amazing. I just kept thinking: “We won’t get to do this forever. So what if my nipples feel like they are falling off.”

 

{{Levi at 2 years old and still loving every moment of nursing}}

 

Then the day of Hawaii came…and I was so hormonal and sad because I knew it was the last day I would nurse him. I think Levi knew it somehow too, because that morning, he woke up at 4am (something he NEVER does, he usually wakes up around 7 or 8) and wanted to come nurse in bed with me. Literally he hasn’t done that since he was 1. I brought him in and he nursed for a solid hour as we both slept, and it was honestly the perfect way for us to end our nursing journey. I swear he knew it was coming…he just never ever does that. Tears rolled down my cheeks as he nursed one last time, and I just soaked in all his little sounds and movements and our stares at each other. I soaked in the normalcy of him playing with my hair as he layed there and while he held my neck with his little hand. It was pure heaven.

While I was gone in Hawaii…I didn’t miss it. I knew I had made the right decision that I was done with it. It was nice to have some sort of my body back (all while carrying another baby) and not have my nipples dying of soreness. And when we got home, I didn’t think Levi would even care. His grandma had been putting him to sleep by laying him in bed with his Baby Penguin and blanket, and he learned to fall asleep on his own. But when I tried to put him down the first time after we got back…he pointed at my chest and said “Milk mama. Milk.” He was so excited and it broke my heart to say “Milk is all gone. Let’s just rock.” He was so unhappy about that. But he did it. I was so close to giving in…but I am so grateful I didn’t. I knew if I did there would just be no way I would ever stop lol.

 

{{First time putting him down at home without nursing. Levi is 2 years and 1 1/2 months old. Our new normal}}

 

He asked for a solid week at each nap and bed time after that for milk…and each time I would tell him it was all gone (all while feeling so sad because I missed it too). Then…one day…he stopped asking. He understood and we both just knew it was time. That was 2 weeks ago. And we rock and sing songs to sleep now and its amazing! He lays his head on my shoulder and occasionally pops up and kisses me and sings with me and laughs with me. It’s wonderful. Almost as amazing as nursing. It’s a different kind of amazing. I love our new phase, and I love that we had our nursing phase for as long as we did. I feel so grateful and blessed we were able to go so long.

You will never know the bond and joy nursing can bring until you do it yourself. Somehow them looking up at you while they eat, and you two just talking with your eyes is something so magical and almost unexplainable. The bond you form is unlike any other, and I am so grateful I was able to go 774 days of doing that multiple times a day. We would have laughing fits or I would tickle him and his little grin he would make before he would latch back on would just melt me. I am so excited to be able to do it with my next baby…and I am prepared to take just as many precautions as I need too so I can hopefully go just as long with the next one 🙂